Some Things Are Just Completely Unbelievable!
by Konichiwa Kitty
Summary: It's a normal day in Soul Society. Until Ichigo notices somebody's missing...
1. Chapter 1

Some Things...

It was a fine day in Soul Society. Birds were chirping, people were laughing, Mayuri Kurotsuchi wasn't sticking his little white nose into everybody's business...  
Hold on. Ichigo did a double take. Where was Mayuri? Where was the annoying heartless captain of Squad 12? Suddenly worried, he went off to find Renji, who was obsessed in a game of chess with Shuuhei, in which he was slowly losing. "Renji!" called Ichigo. Unfortunately, he'd miscalculated the intensity of his voice (however you do that) and the distance he was from Renji. As a result, he basically shouted into Renji's ear, making him jump and move the wrong piece the wrong way. Shuuhei laughed loudly. "You idiot, Renji! Now I'm definitely going to win! You don't have a baby's chance in Hueco Mundo!" (I kid you not, those were his exact words.) Renji did a double take, jumping off the ground and checking the board. At the sight of his now imminent non-victory, Renji's face became almost as red as his hair. "NO WAY! That doesn't count! Ichigo *insert vaporizing glare* just scared me halfway to the Soul King, and you call that a real move? CHEATER!"  
Shuuhei just sat back smugly. "I think you're the one who's the real cheater, Abarai Fuku-Taichou. Calling a foul on a real play...tsk tsk!" In which ensued a ferocious shouting match between the two. Ichigo stood beside them, looking annoyedly amused. Just then a very familiar figure shuffled out of Shuuhei's temporary hut-residence-house-thing. Hisagi took one look and grew pale. "KIRA! What in Yamamoto's Awkward Scar are you doing here? I told you to stay inside!"  
Kira rubbed his oh-so-emo head sleepily. "Hisagi-san...Can't you guys keep quiet? I'm trying to get some sleep...last night was really tiring...I don't understand how you can stay awake all day after all that mmgmmph !" Kira's next words had been muffled by Shuuhei, who looked scandalized. Renji grinned evilly. "Don't worry, 'Hisagi-san', your secret's safe with me!" Immediately Shuuhei waved his hands around, trying to get his dignity back. In doing so, he knocked over one of his chess pieces, making the stupidest move in the history of chess. Seeing his chance, Renji moved his knight and wih dramatic flair, kicked Shuuhei's king off the board. "It appears that I win."  
Leaving Shuuhei with his bruised pride and streaming tears, Renji walked away. Ichigo trailed after, trying to hide his snickers. Once they were out of earshot, he and Renji broke into loud guffaws. "DID YOU SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE?"  
"And then when you killed his king "  
"It was so worth it!"  
Once their laughing fit had passed, Ichigo remembered why he'd gone to find Renji in the first place. "Hey Renji. There's a reason why I went over to see you..."  
Renji nodded, taking a slightly crumpled sandwich out from his front pocket. "Spit it out," he said, taking a large bite out of it. "Well " But before Ichigo could start in on his suspicions, he was interrupted by a sharp whistle. Our of the shadows of a nearby building stepped an amazingly hot woman with deep blue hair followed by a rather shy-looking teenage boy carrying a clipboard. Strangely enough, the woman was wearing the Squad 12 captain's haori. Ichigo and Renji stood up. Seeing that Renji was inconvenienced by the sandwich in his mouth, Ichigo spoke. "Who the hell are you? Why are you wearing a captain's haori, and more specifically, why Squad 12's? What did you do to Mayuri?"  
The woman sneered. "I never knew you were so concerned about my welfare, Kurosaki Ichigo. Perhaps there is something you'd like to admit?" Once they heard that voice, both Ichigo's and Renji's jaws dropped, Renji accidentally spitting some of his sandwich out in the process. They would recognize that voice anywhere, even if it WAS feminized. The strangely hot woman wearing the captain's haori was none other than a female version of Mayuri Kurotsuchi, and that young boy following had to be Nemu!

A/N: Ha. Ha. Ha. Slight yaoi hints in here, to embarrass them. I swear...I love embarrassing them way too much...


	2. Chapter 2

...Are Just...

At the identity revealment of the beautiful blue-haired woman, Ichigo and Renji were shocked. The woman chuckled. "Now now, isn't it rude to be giggling at a person such as I? Please don't tell me it's about the lack of clothes I have on!" At this statement, they did a triple take. Sure enough, underneath the captain's haori, Mayuri Kurotsuchi wasn't wearing much at all. As they fell over with intense nosebleeds, Nemu said worriedly, "Perhaps you should have put some more clothes on, Mayuri-sama?"  
"Tch! It's not my fault they're such perverts. And remember you dumb boy, call me Mayira Kurotsuchi, Mayuri's distant cousin! People mustn't know who I really am!" In her/his mind, Nemu thought that it would take a lot more than a name change to make Mayur MAYIRA-sama to be a different person. "Amd remember in your daft mind that you are now Nem , my son!" he/she added as an afterthought. They set out, leaving the duo still wih intense nosebleeds. As Mayuri/Mayira passed through the winding passageways of Soul Society, all the males turned to stare. Those with wives or girlfriends were instantly slapped and reprimanded for their pervy nosebleeds. Mayuri/Mayira jauntily strolled into Squad 12's headquarters, followed closely by Nemu/Nem . Just then, an exact double copy of Mayuri walked out of his office, smiling broadly. Ichigo and Renji, who'd recovered from their nosebleeds, gasped silently in shock. The fake Mayuri invited them in and shut the door behind him. The males all glared jealously at the closed door, wondering what was going on behind it. Ichigo and Renji had fit into the role of stalking quite well, and were now looking through the window with a periscope (pulled out of the front of Renji's robes). They watched closely, trying not to miss a detail. As Mayuri/Mayira walked in, the weird male double immediately deflated after closing the door, becoming a deflated gigai. Mayuri/Mayira shed his/her robes, revealing...Er, yea. The force of Ichigo's nosebleed (he was looking through the periscope at this time) nearly propelled him halfway to Hueco Mundo. Renji, wondering what was happening, demanded to take a look. As soon as he saw what was there, he fainted.  
Ichigo gladly took the scope back (PERV!) and continued to look on. Mayuri/Mayira was currently discussing something with Nemu/Neme, but Ichigo couldn't hear what exactly they were saying. After a bit of talking, Nemu/Nem opened a closet door, taking out some Shinigami robes for Mayuri/Mayira to wear. He/she put them on, admiring the finer quality cloth used in the women's robes and showing off some rather intimate parts (much to Ichigo's secret delight). They walked out the door, and Ichigo shook Renji back to conciousness just in time for them to race around the building and see their prey flash step away. Ichigo and Renji raced after them, following Mayuri/Mayira and Nemu/Nem until they reached the large cliff, where all the captains were assembled, enjoying a picnic. At Mayuri's sudden appearance as a female, they were all struck silent except for Yamamoto. "Come sit down with us, Mayuri or should I call you Mayira? You too, Neme." The head captain was happily stuffing his face with some of Unohana's delicious green onion pancakes (yum!). At this, both Ichigo's and Renji's jaws dropped wide open. At the audible thud of their mouths hitting the ground, Yamamoto smiled even wider and invited them in too. "You youngsters, too! Come on in and enjoy the picnic!" Ashamed at being found, Ichigo and Renji crawled out of the bushes they'd been hiding in and joined the picnic. Renji immediately grabbed a plate and started filling it up with rice and Asian noodles (me jealous!), while Ichigo went for Ukitake's mouth-watering melon pops (drooldrool). They settled down to eat, each person keeping quiet to their own thoughts. Finally, Ichigo couldn't stand the silence anymore, and burst with the curiosity he'd been holding back ever since learning of Mayuri/Mayira's alternate-gender-body-thing. "'Scuse me, but why in Aizen's Bitchy Curl is Mayuri/Mayira Taichou a female now?"


	3. Chapter 3

...Completely Unbelievable!  
Everyone gaped, except for Yamamoto Sou-Taichou, Mayuri/Mayira, and Nemu/Nem . Renji did an epic facepalm (you would've paid to see it!), cringing at Ichigo's senseless statement. Yamamoto chuckled, while Mayuri/Mayira looked on in amusement. "Ichigo Kurosaki! Bold as ever, I see. There's no need to worry about Kurotsuchi Taichou's current gender. He/she does this quite often, actually." Yamamoto paused to take a large gulp of Kyouraku's fresh-squeezed orange juice.

Ichigo put on his disbelieving face. "You're telling me that this has been going on since, like, forever? How come none of us have noticed it then?"  
"Now now! I haven't gotten to the important part yet!" By now, the other captains had gone back to eating happily. "In fact, nobody's really sure what gender Kurotsuchi Taichou actually is. Generally though, we assume he/she is a male."

"It must be rather disconcerting for you two to see me like this," butted in Mayuri/Mayira. "In fact, I'd love to run an experiment on how normal unsuspecting Shinigami react to my opposite gender!..."

Yamamoto laughed heartily. "You'll have to do that some other time, Kurotsuchi. I'm afraid these children aren't available for your studying anymore."  
Renji, who'd been carefully eating (and choosing down as much food as he could), decided to speak up. "Um...When does Kurotsuchi Taichou usually switch back to being male?"

"Anytime I desire to!" replied Mayuri/Mayira, standing up. "Just let me take these clothes off..."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed all the captains and Ichigo and Renji at once (yes, even Yamamoto and Byakuya). Over in Hueco Mundo, Aizen heard the horrible shouting of the captains and accidentally ripped several maps into shreds from his anger. Back in Seireitei, Mayuri/Mayira shrugged. "Whatever," he/she said, and sat back down, popping a scrumptious chopstick-full of Soifon's fried tofu into his/her mouth (*whimper* I'm jealous!). Disaster and intense nosebleeds averted, they all settled down to polishing off the delicious food. Finally, as the last grain of rice was crammed into a mouth, Byakuya brought out his grand surprise: a delicious strawberry cake he'd baked, adorned with chocolate figures of none other than Ambassador Seaweed (xD). It was finished off in no time, with Komamura commenting that this was one of he best cakes he'd ever had. By the time they'd finished, the sun was setting. As Hitsugaya cleaned the picnic up (popping a strawberry into his mouth), Yamamoto led the procession back into the main area of Seireitei. Each captain returned to their respective headquarters. However, the mischief wasn't over. Curious about how Mayuri/Mayira changed genders, Ichigo and Renji carefully stalked him/her and Nemu/Nem back to their headquarters. Peering in through the window, Ichigo and Renji watched as Mayuri/Mayira prepared some strange things, presumably to change. The first thing they did was to take off all articles of clothing. The two stalkers already had bloody noses, but they still ogled Mayuri/Mayira's body (not paying any attention to Nemu/Neme's male body). They each grabbed a vial off of the large desk, and went into shower cubicles to change back. There was an audible BOOM! and black smoke began pouring out of the cubicles. After a long wait, until it was nearly midnight, Mayuri, now completely male, walked out into the open, not wearing any clothes. Ichigo and Renji both went blech (never look at your favorite black-and-white painted mad scientist naked), nearly missing Nemu's entrance. At the sight of her, their heads flew back and noses bled freely. Just then, Mayuri seemed to notice something off. He went over to a wall and pressed a switch, whereupon large spikes shot up out of the ground, nearly impaling (the highly perverted) Ichigo and Renji. Getting the message, they made their way back to where Ichigo was staying at the Kuchiki mansion with Rukia and Byakuya, only pausing to clean their faces of blood (and perverted delight, haha). The next morning, a large puddle of blood was found outside Kurotsuchi Mayuri's room window. The frustrated shriek he emitted (he KNEW someone had been spying on him!) was heard in Hueco Mundo, where Aizen accidentally broke Grimmjow's arm, whom he was helping Ulquiorra drag to an emo class.


End file.
